there is a there out there

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

“I have so much to tell you, the problem isn’t that I’m running out of time, I’m running out of room, this book is filling up, there couldn’t be enough pages, I looked around the apartment this morning for one last time and there was writing everywhere, filling the walls and mirrors, I’d rolled up the rugs so I could write on the floors, I’d written on the windows and around the bottles of wine we were given but had never drank, I wear only short sleeves, even when it’s cold, because my arms are books, too. But there’s too much to express. I’m sorry. That’s what I’ve been trying to say to you, I’m sorry for everything… 

I’m telling you all of this because I’ll never be your father, and you will always be my child. I want you to know, at lease, that it’s not out of selfishness that I am leaving, how can I explain that? I can’t live, I’ve tried and I can’t. If that sounds simple, it’s simple like a mountain is simple.”

- Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

“To rule over someone is to demand allegiance, but to lead the way Christ led is to be fearless in the pursuit of holiness and generous in the offering of grace.”

- same book as the post below

Tough Love, Real Love

“It’s easy to say that because we’ve messed up so much, because we are so bad at love, we should just give up trying. But that would be the greatest act of spiritual stupidity around, because the entire law and the demands of all the prophets are based on the choice to love God and others. Saying love is just too hard and that you’re taking a pass is to take a pass on faith, on God, and on truth. You just can’t do it. So what’s left but an uncomfortable resolution to keep asking yourself, ‘Why? Why am I acting like this? Why do I think they should do this or that? Why am I afraid? Why can’t I obey?’ The questions that get you to look at the sin in your life are the questions that matter. It’s the lazy acceptance of the status quo that makes love suffer… . And just because it can feel like a psychologically dangerous procedure to give up looking out for number one and deciding instead to look out for others, that doesn’t make it any less biblical.”

- Hayley & Michael DiMarco, Cupidity

text messages

Griz: “I woke up to a crime scene of what could have only been a drug deal gone bad between a bird and a cat in my living room.”

Me: “Explain. Also, I’d like to see said scene.”

Griz: “Quite the sight I’ll tell ya. Blood, feathers, cat hair, and catnip everywhere. In my mind the bird strolled in with a big bag of nip to make the deal with LC. That’s when it turned slow motion, and the bird, out of the corner of its eye, caught Mika jumping down from the rafters. I can only assume there was a lot of karate involved, but in the end, LC killed it with a miniature shotgun, blowing the bird and the nip into a million pieces.”

Me: “I can’t stop laughing about this.”

Griz: “When I was envisioning what happened, I had on the same Pandora station [dramatic soundtrack music] that was on the other day when you were here; it was perfect background music for the action. I could see it all so clearly: the smirk on LC’s face, Mika flying through the air in the reflection of the bird’s eyes, the bird flipping out of the way just in time. Yeah, I don’t think it’s advisable to drink Nyquil and only get four hours of sleep. Makes the mind wander… . Mika probably yelled, ‘Noooo,’ just as Little Cat pulled the trigger—ruining the drugs. There was seriously nothing left to the bird except a beak and 10,000 feathers. It literally looked like it exploded.”

Me: “They were merciless and thorough, although a bit cocky in leaving so much evidence.” 

Griz: “No remorse whatsoever.”

The soul selects her own society,
Then shuts the door;
On her divine majority
Obtrude no more.

Unmoved, she notes the chariot’s pausing
At her low gate;
Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
Upon her mat.

I’ve known her from an ample nation
Choose one;
Then close the valves of her attention
Like stone.

- Emily Dickinson

Theme song #4

Just Like a Woman - Bob Dylan

Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Everybody knows
That baby’s got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.

Queen Mary, she’s my friend
Yes, I believe I’ll go see her again
Nobody has to guess
That baby can’t be blessed
Till she finally sees that she’s like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl

It’s was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
And your long-time curse hurts
But what’s worse
Is this pain in here
I can’t stay in here
Ain’t it clear that

I just can’t fit
Yes, I believe it’s time for us to quit
When we meet again
Introduced as friends
Please don’t let on that you knew me when
I was hungry and it was your world
Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes you do
You make love just like a woman, yes you do
Then you ache just like a woman
But you break just like a little girl.